Blimey! Is this really Top Of The Pops?

Design classic? Or sexist 70's tosh? Or an lame excuse to place photos of models from the 70's in this blog? Probably a bit of all three, but you decide, as we travel back to a time of power cuts, the three day week, the Rubettes and Big D peanuts. Let's examine the crumpet-tastic bri-nylon bargain bin world of the TOP OF THE POPS albums... and wonder, what the hell was that all about?

For anybody under the age of 30, this will all seem a complete mystery to them, and if they were aware of these records it could only be because they'd stumbled upon one in the corner of some tatty charity shop. But back in the early 70's, these albums really were the equivalent of the NOW series of compilation albums we see these days. Released by budget record label Hallmark (later Pickwick), the TOP OF THE POPS album (no connection to the TV series of the same name, of course) contained a selection of the latest Top 20 hit singles compiled onto one album, the albums being released every few months through the year.

Okay, so far, so good. But, and it's a big but, these records did not feature the original tracks or artists, oh no, they had cover versions, recorded by session singers and musicians to sound as close to the originals as the time and budget would allow. This usually meant nothing like the original. Fascinating fact: early albums contained vocals by the likes of Elton John (before he was famous) covering the hits of the day! The records would be sold in the local Woolworths and the like, where you could buy them for about half the price of a normal album. Voila - the latest sounds at half the price. Sort of.

Actual 1973 cover

Mock-up 2013 cover

The album covers however were very much of their time. Sex sells, and never was this as blatantly true as in the supersonic seventies. Each album's cover would be made up simply of the logo, the track listing and a large photo of a glamour model of the time, say Jilly Johnston. Your equivalent these days would be, I don't know, Lucy Pinder, Sophie Howard (right) or some other NUTS mag type. They would be depicted in a typically cheesy saucy pose, but nothing too suggestive. None of your FHM or LOADED poses back then, it was all a little bit more innocent. Was it right? Hmmm.

Anyway, that was it. No clever fonts or graphics. And you know, it's basic, but it works. It's all bit daft and lame, and the use of the models could, from today's point of view, be a bit contentious, but I think these have a certain sort of charm in a way, and is certainly to my eyes no more offensive that a "Carry On" movie is now. The covers have got that kitsch value yes, but there's an honesty about them that I like. No pretense,   you know what you're getting, there you go mate. Of course, post-Savile we're looking almost disapprovingly at anything like this, but this was how it was back then.

Now, I maybe i'm biased. And it's not about the ladies. I have got a soft spot for these records, as they always cropped up in the record collection at my Nan & Grandad's when I was living with them in the early 70's. Never ever knew if they were bought by them, my Mum or my Auntie. I always loved rifling through all their records, and even at five years of age, I knew that the TOP OF THE POPS covers were a bit rude, but why I wasn't sure. There wasn't any thoughts of sex going through my head back then, I was more bothered with "Look In" comic and whether Dr Who would defeat the Zygons next Saturday teatime.

But I loved to listen to the records, and read the crummy sleevenotes on the reverse, and look at the blue labels going round and round on the turntable... Most of the covers of the albums you see here are the actual ones that we had and that I used to listen to on the massive wooden Stereogram (look it up) we had in the front room (or parlour, if you will).

Throughout the seventies, these records apparently used to rack up massive sales, but soon other labels like Ronco & K-Tel got wise to this and released their own hits compilations, except they licensed the real tracks from the major labels for their albums, and soon these sales overtook the cheapo TOP OF THE POPS series, and so it went on, until the majors realised in the 80's they could make more money by releasing their own compilations, hence "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC 658".

I didn't know until I did some research on the web that these albums were amazingly still being released well into the 80's , as you can see here by these covers featuring the two top Page Three models of that time, Linda Lusardi and Samantha Fox (who'd have her own chart success a couple of years later). Who the hell was buying these albums God only knows, but as you can see the design hadn't changed much, but that logo was a mistake, looking dated even for 1984. You have to say that you'd perversely love to hear how bad their cover of Ray Parker Jnr's "Ghostbusters" would be, or how the months of production and mixing that Trevor Horn put into "Two Tribes" would be reproduced by the boys at Pickwick in their lunch hour. Well, you're in luck! 

Someone saw fit to upload the cover version of "Two Tribes" to You Tube and you can hear it just above! It is stupendously bad in the way that only a cover version done by a bad working men's club band could be. It's almost but not entirely unlike the music of Frankie Goes To Hollywood. It's similar only in the respect of it was also recorded by humans.

Of course, where there's a hit formula, there's imitations, and never more so that with the TOP OF THE POPS series. Rival budget labels such as Solid Gold, Music For Pleasure and Contour released their own hit cover compilations, but the designs for these were not as successful as Hallmark's classic design. Yes, the glamorous model's there but the concept's right off. I mean, what's the girl on the 12 TOPS sleeve above meant to be doing? Get your feet off the leather seats, woman. It's as if she's got her top caught in the seat or something. I'd love to hear the cover of "John I'm Only Dancing". Or "Mouldy Old Dough" for that matter as the original is horrible so Christ knows how a cover would sound. 

MFP's HOT HITS series at least had a theme for their covers, which was girls in a sporty pose. Which was an excuse for busty half clad models to be pictured playing football, rugby, tennis, boxing, scuba diving or motorcross. The designers for HOT HITS (well I say designers, probably some blokes in the office half heartedly shoving some Letraset onto some girlie pictures, thinking "that'll do" and then legging it to the pub), bizarrely even attempted to make skiing look sexy, with partial success. Oh look, she's fell over on the "snow". Silly bint. She's not even wearing any safety goggles. By God you've got to give the photographers and models their due as they tried their best. The album sleeves usually had adverts for other records in the series on the inner sleeves... and these looked even more disgraceful that any of these sleeves. I mean, "Sinful Rugby Songs"... it really was a different age back then.

Now, the record with the buxom archeress below was one we had in the house. Didn't have a clue or care who she was. It's only now looking back I recognize her as Caroline Munro, cult film actress, "Lamb's Navy Rum" poster girl and most importantly, the sexy helicopter pilot & Stromberg henchwoman Naomi from the classic 1977 Roger Moore Bond "The Spy Who Loved Me", as mentioned in my first post on this blog. 

Forget Barbara Bach, Caroline was where it was at, because she had the helicopter with machine guns and everything, trying to blow Bond's Lotus Esprit off the road. Cool. Best bit of the film and of course they were the toys to have!

But this is not a post about Corgi Toys. Boooo. That comes later. Hurrah. Back to the records. Of course it's only when you're older you notice Caroline Munro was bloody gorgeous, and that she was the girl in the Adam Ant "Goody Two Shoes" video and the hostess on the Ted Rogers quiz nightmare "3-2-1". Ahh. It all begins to add up. Anyway, I doubt she was any good at archery.

The rival albums to TOP OF THE POPS eventually died away, but a few did plod on in a similar fashion, making it to the early 80's but frankly, the whole genre was massively anachronistic by then, and didn't get seen anywhere other than market stalls who also sold James Last records, china dogs and teatowels. There's still a cult following for these records, and many sites on the internet where you can find much more information about them, far more than my toe dip in the water here. 

The lasting legacy of course is the idea that you can put out a compilation of the big hits from a variety of artists and it will sell. Back in the day, the TOP OF THE POPS albums DID get to the top of the pops! They got to number one. And we spin on now and the NOW albums do the same thing. They are a handy one stop shop for finding out what's popular in the charts. Just without half clad women on the front, which is a step forward. I'll leave you to decide whether these album covers are classics of their time or it's a load of old nostalgic wank, and certainly from today's standpoint they should never really have been allowed, but look at this last image below. 

If it doesn't make you laugh you've got no soul.

More info can be found at the following websites:

Uncovering The Art Of The Vinyl Sleeve
Easy On The Eye
Top Of The Pops - The Definitive Website

(An earlier version of this article can be found on my old website)